Fools in…

Love

Four letter word, I would bet is one of the most spoken topics in books, shows, movies… life.

Knowing people, trying hard. Showing who we are…  when you like, interest or love someone don’t you find yourself doing stuff and later saying “what was I thinking”.

I don’t regret the decisions I have made in my life but sometimes I think I should try less harder. But I find my self being stubborn and saying this is the last time I will try, then I find myself trying… again. I think I just don’t know how to quit or maybe I don’t have self respect. I feel myself feeling like a fool… trying hard and wondering why cant I just read peoples thought, it would be so much easier but then it would get boring… so much boring. I find myself feeling like a fool… when I try, when I pursue something out of reach, something that don’t want to be reach. I find myself feeling like a fool… when I am blinded by feelings, when I am blinded by…

Most of all I just feel like a fool when I just follow my feelings, my instinct… when I don’t think but act. But at the end its all worth it I think we learn, we hurt, we give our self… we risk it all.

We are just fools… I am just a fool in…

We are all scared

Love, interest and desire, we all go through life looking for those things. Some look for it early in life while others look for fun before figuring things out, but at night… at the end no one wants to be alone.

In our life quest of finding that person who will make us laugh, who will make us smile in our cloudy days, who will make us closer to happiness, we face deception, disappointment… we face loss. We risk it all for the chance to gain it all. During these moments when our hearts get broken we wonder whats the point of it all… every time we loose hope, we loose faith. We build walls around our hearts to protect it and we stop being vulnerable, we get scared of risking the remaining pieces of our heart so we stop playing the game of love.

But isn’t it that the best part? The journey, the quest… In the process of getting hurt we learn so much as we loose it all. Like they saying “practice makes perfect” and “what doesn’t kill us make us stronger”. Isn’t that the best part, knowing how you get hurt and not hurting back, learning how to give it all in order to receive it all. We can’t expect to receive and never give back… as love is a perfect circle, a perfect balance between two imperfect persons… two very scare persons.

Is there a time when you should just give up? Sit down and wait? Or should we keep fighting and trying, looking for that glimpse of hope and not letting go?

When you meet someone who is more scare than vulnerable, who is more enclose than free… how much can you do to show your true self, how much can you do to break those walls?

In this world of love we build walls to protect our hearts and we forget what it felt like to surrender in the name of love, to try for the name of love. In this world we are scared… as no one wants to get hurt.

But I wont give up!

I will break those walls.

Fate, Destiny or decision making?

Life is a wonderful and mysterious thing

We travel, we live and actions take place…

And we wonder if the events in our life are set on stone, if we are destined for something or if we just took the right or wrong decisions in our life.

Is there such thing as two paths or are we set to have both options but will always take the same path?

Sometimes in life I feel that we are destined for something, like life is guiding us to a greater purpose or just to achieve our dreams, then again this comes from an overly positive person who never stop fighting for what he wants… maybe I am biased. Over this past months I was convinced I wanted to do a Ph.D in Clinical Psychology and a post-doc in Neuropsychology. I applied to 10 schools of clinical psychology, 2 called me for interview and only 1 accepted me. The thing is that the only one that accepted me was in my homeland, a place I love but I wouldn’t want to keep studying here. Then an opportunity aroused, I wrote to a program wondering if they had any research opportunities and they wrote me saying that if I was able to complete the process of application over a weekend they would consider me (this after 2 months that the deadline had passed). A couple of days after the weekend I receive a call informing me I was accepted to participate in a neuroscience summer program, that’s when I knew I had to go there, this opportunity was for me the chance to change my life. I was there for 2 month and I learned I was enjoying what I was doing, at the end of the program they offered me the opportunity to stay for a whole year taking classes and doing research, of course I accepted the offer!

I will be there for a year, this rise my chances to get into that grad school in the neuropsychology program with the studies payed, and already had a year done with the classes I will take. If I go with clinical the program wont support me nor credit the classes I will take. I wonder is this the path for me (neuro) or should I go back to my original plan of clinical? I am still planing on applying to both neuro and clinical, but what if life makes the decision for me? or what if it makes me choose? Should I stay in neuro or go back to clinical? Of course this year will be one of self discovery and learning, where I will know if I do like neuro but then again how do I know I didn’t prefer clinical?

Something tells me I am on the right path to achieving my goal, but I wonder if this is the feeling of someone who felt lost and was found by this opportunity first… This is going to be some year.

Gets me thinking if this was the work of fate or just life.

Expiration Date for you and me

Over the years, our life we cross path with people we consider acquaintances, friends and more.

Have you ever stop to think of an expiration date to those relationships?

When you know there is nothing stopping time and that the paths you now walk together might break apart.

 

We go through life making friends and meeting people, we share information, secrets… our life. Some relationships are of need, of love, chemistry, compatibility and other stuff people talk about. There is the time we make those great friends, the ones we can anticipate their movements and what they are about to say. But even those have an expiration date. There are many reasons like graduations, jobs, moving and other stuff. Still we say we will never be apart, that distance will not make a difference. Then there is the unusual visit where you feel you are with a complete stranger, changed by time and space, and you were not there to see the person change, why the change. We try to make friends of a life time, those we would like to believe will always be there, and we even try to lie to ourselves when the time is near for a change or for a departure.

Is it possible to keep in touch? to be always the same?

And we always wonder if there is such a thing as a relationship without an end.

But how do we find that friendship, that relationship with no experitaion date?

Meeting the possibility, Meeting you

Have you ever felt so unsure of yourself when you are meeting someone incredible, someone interesting?

Its that feeling of wanting to give it all with a mixture of being scared of loosing it all…

trying to be interesting but keeping it natural.

When we go through life for some reason we try to mate, sexually and emotionally. When we are young we explore all the possibilities but as time goes by we try to settle down with that someone, as many people believe “the other half”.

Its that possibility of falling in love, of settling down.

Here is something I wrote today as I though about that thing of meeting people, of ”the possibility”.

Meeting you

It’s a wish to skip it all

When you are meeting someone, when you feel exposed

Feeling naked, feeling raw

Where you wonder, where they wonder all

It’s the doubt of feeling

It’s the doubt of love

It’s a wish to skip it all

To go to the “Happily ever after”

To the part when you know it whole

Where you know the feeling its true

It’s there, it’s yours

It’s the doubt that scares us

It’s the scare that freezes us

When you are meeting someone who makes your heart stop

It’s ok to be scared… it’s only natural

Just step closer to the cliff and look at the fall

Just step closer and look at the stars

Don’t be scared, it’s the way

Spread your arms, take the leap

Spread your wings and try to fly

When you are meeting someone who could make you whole.

Z

Selfless or Selfish?

Ever felt unsure of the decision made?

Why the decision was made?

was it selfless or selfish?

 

In life, every day we make decisions and we try to convince our selves we took the right path, the right choice and we did it because we care. That our reasons are altruist, that our concern real and that what we wanted was the well being of others or ourselves, that we are good and honest. Then deep down we take a minute to think and wonder “was that my real reason or an excuse”, like helping someone, you can convince yourself you did it to help the person but even that can be the excuse, not the real reason… because the real reason you hide even from yourself. Can it be something else, can it be to be recognize, for love or the need of something in exchange?

In that minute when our doing is put to the question, when we wonder… it is then when we find out what we really wanted or why we did it. I am not saying there arent selfless act, but are they really 100% selfless?

In life, everyday we make decision and I try to be selfless but I cant take out of my mind the question of how selfless my actions really were or how selfish they are. Do I do it for me or for the person?

Convincing ourselves, trying to lie in the end have you ever wonder what the real reason was?

Was it really selfless?

A Weekend to Remeber

Have you ever felt your brother in a friend?

Not a long time friend, but some one you just met.

Have you ever felt close to someone like hes your childhood friend. 

 

In this weekend of great experiences, I was able to go to the 55th annual convention of psychology of Puerto Rico. I as the vice-president of the student psychology association offered my house to those who didn’t have a place to stay or money to pay for a hotel. In the end only 7 people went, I wont complain because we had a blast. The convention was one full of surprises and really interesting seminars talking of technology, the GLBT community, sport psychology, organizational/industrial psychology and others. I must say I had fun in the convention and being able to stay home with friends. There were 6 girls and another guy, by day professionals in a convention at night clubbing till 4 am in the morning (which is really rare in me because I don’t go out much). We drink, dance, talk and joke around, complaining the next morning for five more minutes of sleep and talking about how much fun was that night before.

It was this weekend were I saw my brother, and as weird as it sounds he is not. He is my partner in investigation, a friend. To tell the truth I didn’t want him as my partner as he looks like a stereotypical jock (well he is in the volleyball team), and when he asked me if he could be my partner I think I was a little rough when I told him I was not going to tolerate slackers and that I was willing to erase his name from the research if he failed me once, he never have failed me and I am glad he asked me to be his partner. Later he was the one who inspired me to go to the gym with him… later leaving me to myself as he never went with me. Always full of surprises, he is athletic, one of those older brothers you look up to and makes you feel safe whenever hes around. I always think of him as a German Sheppard, always taking care of the herd, taking care of his master, serious but yet playful, determined and intelligent.

He is someone to be proud of, and it makes me feel proud to say that he values my opinion and he looks for my advice, in a way I guess he looks up to me, but I don’t think he sees how much I look up to him, and not academically (like he does) but in life. It makes me feel melancholic to think back to that weekend were we spend time and know that maybe it wont happen again, because even if he sees me as his friend, he never look for me in life, when going out, when he says I want to hang out with friends. I guess he just sees me academically as a friend but not in life like I do.

 Still the time we spent together, with him, with all of them, I wont forget and will always treasure.

 It will always be a weekend to remember.

And still I feel this is a bond that is just meant to be.

A friendship of a life time.

What happens when friendships are true and the time is up? When it’s Time to go, time to move on.

 

In this world of time, of endless unstoppable time friendships are made, Friends are loss

Friends come and go, like a melody that’s sweet to the ear, a melody you wish never stopped.

Somewhere over the years the trust is made, the trust is strong, the trust is there.  But with that trust come things we don’t like, when the person opens up, when your friends starts to speak up.  And it’s not the secrets it holds but how they are told. So many ways, so many manners, so many modes.  But how do you tell them when something is hurtful, even if they might have a point? How do you tell them how different they have become?  

As time goes by I have several good friendships, the friends you wish, the ones you dream about, the one you could always count on. True Friends like the ones I have found, are rare, the ones you could call up at 6 pm for dinner, the same you could call at 4 am to take you to the hospital. I must say that my friends are one of a kind and unique in their own special way, I am grateful to life, destiny, God; to whoever put them in my way. They are the people you could share your life with, never jealous, always there, never hateful, always helpful. Though time has come when we have had our differences and our fights, like brothers have, always making up, never looking back. But it’s hurtful to see them go, to know our time is almost up. When life takes us in different ways, the friendship will change and it hurts to know they don’t notice our time is up. How do you tell them your worries without sounding overly dramatic, how do you tell them your worries?  

Things have change and I must say I am mad, at stupid stuff, but I am sad to see them go. It is the end of an era, of life as we know it. Things must change, am I the only one who sees this unavoidable change? What happened when you are mad, when you are sad and you just won’t let go? I can’t let go, not of the stuff I am mad about, but that we must part… That we must go.

This is a friendship of a life time, I know it, I feel it… but when time comes by, and when distance is by the hand things change, people change.  

In this world of time, of endless unstoppable time Friends come and go, but only true friends stay in your mind, heart and soul. 

I wont say good-bye.

A third option…

Is there always two options for things?

is it either yes or no… could it be found a third option. One night some friends and I were talking about homosexuality, is it a factor of some gene (including diseases, chromosomes, brain damage, errors, viruses, hormones which ever) or is it a choice (with choice it includes behavior, own decision, traumatic experience, role model, tired of the opposite sex, what ever of the sort). But I believe in none of the sort, I don’t think its genetic or behavioral. I mean not even twins are genetically exposed to a 100% that if one is gay the other must be gay and people might grown in the same house or have the same experiences and take things in different ways. Like if you have a car accident, some people see that as a second change in life and they live their life at their maximum other get scared of even driving. yes our genes predispose some things and yes our social life and experiences shape us in other ways. But homosexuality is like a kid who doesn’t like chocolate or prefer strawberry, its just how they are, its a matter of taste,(I am not talking about the choice betwen strawberry or chocolate, I am talking about the preference to one or the other. I don’t like chocolate ice cream, its not my choice and I don’t think its genetics either, I just don’t like it.) like a straight men who prefer blond or a girl who like them black.

 

So I wonder

Is it possible a third option?

Nothing

 

Well this is another of my writing I do hope you enjoy it. I wrote this in the mistery of friendships, how they come and go but you never let go. How people tend to look for more and never look back, how people are selfish but they do care, but they just need to go on.  True friendship I have come to know, true friendships I have seen in my life, but how our actions can be misunderstood, how can our acctions let people think we dont care when they are the only thing in our minds. The mistery that people come and go from our life but the memories stay like an eco from the past, like a ghost on our hearts.

Nothing

 

In this world of lonesome mind, I will not have to worry,

That worry that ages us all, the worry of getting old

Of growing alone, because I know you will be there.

 I wish I could prove you I love

You, I wish you could trust what seems to be empty

The emptiness of my words. And even though I know

Your there I feel I must get more, why can’t I just be

Grateful for what I have? For having you? I am so human

I am so imperfect, I should not care, at least I have you.

And I feel not loyal, unloving, not deserving of having you.

I am happy, grateful, knowing you’ll always be there

But as always I am scared, scared of making you my

Whole, cuss when your gone I will have nothing, so be

My nothing, as they say nothing last forever. Somehow

I feel I must be recognized, praised, admire, loved

But what for? At the end it still empty, at the end

I’ll still have nothing; I’ll have you, my faithful friend

I am sorry for being ungrateful, for being unpleased.

But be sure I love you, the nothing that I trust and

Expect that will last forever that I am glad it’s always

There, that things end and that you last forever

Because when you’re my nothing, I will have nothing to

Expect, because when I don’t expect, I never get down, because

I’ll always see the night as the beginning of a new day,

And the day as the endless night full of nothing for me

And only me.